Wednesday, November 12, 2008

School Daze

Does dreaming about an orphanage mean the same thing like dreaming about a school?

I wonder if there is some coorelation.

Lately I've been wondering about the whole other world theory. You know the one that says that we are all part of a machine. That this world is just a made up ruse to keep us pacified from the truth. Like some day I will wake up and realize that everything I know was completely fake.

This is probably more of that escapism psycho nonsense. The reason I have a facination about zombies is the same reason I want there to be another world outside of this one. Because I'm not satisfied with what I currently have and am.

Curious. What's is wrong?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Orphan Dreams

I had a dream

I dreamt of an orphanage. But not one I've seen before. This one was in the future. The children were kept in shackles. I was an orphan. The minds of all the orphans had been so warped that most had absolutely no desire to leave.

Most of the older children had their shackles connected to metal lines that littered the cielings of the entire building. This restricted where they could go and how far they could travel. The younger children who's shackles could not reach the lines just had the older kids hold their chains. So broken where these younger children that even though they were not even connected to the grid and potentially had the best potential for escape the thought wasn't even in the reahlm of possibilities for them.

Guided in a single marching line we were all hearded into a big room with many individual tables. Although the tables could sit four, we were separated to one per table. Although I knew or at least had a sense that I did not belong, I understood completely what was going on. Today we were all going to interview with potential parents.

I sat at a table. A quietly waited. I don't know if they had been removed or if I even ever had them on at all but I was not shackled at this point. Eventually a couple sat down at my table. They were probably in their mid 30s or 40s. They had a midwest kinda feel to them. Or at least a country side feel. they were kind and asked me to tell them about myself. I oddly began with my high school. I said I studied engineering, which was partially true. It was an "interview" afterall. Then I went on to descibe my studies in college, and how I went from toy salesmen to marketing research.

As I tell my story I slowly come to the realization that I shouldn't be here. I'm no orphan why am I interviewing for a new family. I stand up and I run over to the headmaster or whatever they are called in an orphanage. When I reach her it turns out to be Maria, my current boss. Knowing that I'm in the future I ask her what happened. What year is it. I ask her to tell me what has happened in the years between now and 2008. I don't remember much of what was actually said to me except for the fact that she said that my two dogs died. I replied saying "my two dogs, I have two dogs" after which I begin to cry. Not uncontrollably but certainly with a lot of tears.

The dream ends around here.

while in the shower I started to think how crazy I must have sounded to that old couple. Then I wondered. What if it wasn't an orphanage. What if it was some insane asylum. What if this is the dream. What if I'm really some crazy person in some looney bin dreaming about living this life.....
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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Energy

Been experimenting lately on energy drinks from different brands.

This morning I had some purple stuff. I am on full throttle! Whoooooo!
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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Writing takes forever

So in writing my own fictional stories I have come to the realization that it takes forever!

Although I don't have a single clue about what to do with any of my stories as far as publishing goes, I still like doing it.

though I haven't shown then to anyone in fear of horrible criticism.

I'm thinking though as far as current income and more importantly disposable income is concerned something must be done immidiately.

Also becoming more pressing is the next cell transformation. Two pretty big problems that need solutions.

What to do what to do.
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Monday, October 13, 2008

Finally approved

Yay I'm approved. It has been decided that I am not a $pammer. wootay!

And the villagers rejoice.

Finally got my reservations booked for my nashville trip.

Procrastination sucks!

Anyways kot
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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Dream Journal

I don't know why, but for a time I thought it would be a great idea to blog my dreams into a seperate dream journal. Kinda silly to do that really. That means I have to blog twice. Once about crap that happens to me in real life and a second about what happens to me in my dreams. I guess it came out of trying to keep a Second Life blog. And then that second life blog turning into some weird second reality type of diary.

Anyways, I've decided to keep both my reality and my second reality together in a single blog. Not that this should matter to anyone considering that no one i know actually knows about the existance of this blog. Let alone any of my other blogs.

..... KOT ......

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Hott Fuzz

I put hot fuzz on my blackberry

Now that I know how to load movies on my bb, I wonder if I will ever work.

Eh it takes too long to load and I'm limited to 2 gigs max at 4 gigs. Not enough to do it constantly. Oh well

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Post for Blogger Detective Peoples

For those of you working at blogger who are currently reviewing my blogs to make sure they arent $pam blogs, please rest assured that all my blogs are legitimate blogs.

I am currently writing several books and am using Blogger to help me keep track of them. This is the reason for their existence.

thank you and have a wonderful day.

~DDD~

Monday, October 6, 2008

Second BB test

Test two email change
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Online Test

Test to go with BB test

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Not well

I don't feel so good.

I feel tired. I feel like I don't want to be here. I just want to be home. Sitting in an empty room. I don't want to be bothered today. I really don't.

I want to just think about myself today.

Friday, May 30, 2008

STR DEX and CON

So Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution.

It's not like I just need to find a secluded place in order to realize my untrained experience.

This needs some real dedicated organization and planning.

BUT IT IS REALLY FREAKING NECESSARY!!

SERIOUSLY!!!!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

STR DEX and CON

So Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution.

It's not like I just need to find a

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

More importantly.

Anyways, More importantly.

I am totally not prepared for a zombie invasion. And by prepared I just am referring to physically being prepared. I think mentally I'm already there. And as far as provisions go, I think I'll be alright. I mean if I just follow the rules of Zombie engagement and and threat levels I have created in my mind, I think I will be alright.

Now Physically... whoa how bad am I?! seriously its fucked up. I mean here I have my collection of katana and self defense options but I completely lack the strength, dexterity, and constitution required to sustain myself during a all out zombie outbreak.

Point: I need to begin training to increase my stats.
Klimed from DnD wiki
Strength (STR): Strength is a measure of muscle, endurance and stamina combined. Strength affects the ability of characters to lift and carry weights, melee attack rolls, damage rolls (for both melee and ranged weapons,) the Jump, Climb, and Swim skills, several combat actions, and general checks involving moving or breaking stubborn objects.Dexterity (DEX): Dexterity encompasses a number of physical attributes including hand-eye coordination, agility, reflexes, fine motor skills, balance and speed of movement; a high dexterity score indicates superiority in all these attributes. Dexterity affects characters with regard to initiative in combat, ranged attack rolls, Armor Class, Reflex saves, and the Balance, Escape Artist, Hide, Move Silently, Open Lock, Ride, Sleight of Hand, Tumble, and Use Rope skills. It also affects the number of additional attacks of opportunity granted by the Combat Reflexes feat. Dexterity is the ability most influenced by outside influences (such as armor).Constitution (CON): Constitution is a term which encompasses the character's physique, toughness, health and resistance to disease and poison. The higher a character's Constitution, the more hit points that character will have. Constitution also is important for Fortitude saves, the Concentration skill, and fatigue-based general checks. Constitution also determines the length of a barbarian's rage. Unlike the other ability scores, which render the character unconscious or immobile when they hit 0, having 0 Constitution is fatal.Intelligence (INT): Intelligence is similar to IQ, but also includes mnemonic ability, reasoning and learning ability outside those measured by the written word. Intelligence dictates the number of languages a character can learn, and it influences the number of spells a preparation-based arcane spellcaster (like a Wizard) may cast per day, and the effectiveness of said spells. It also affects how many skill points a character gains per level, the Appraise, Craft, Decipher Script, Disable Device, Forgery, Knowledge, Search, and Spellcraft skills, and bardic knowledge checks.Wisdom (WIS): Wisdom is a composite term for the characters enlightenment, judgement, wile, willpower and intuitiveness. Wisdom influences the number of spells a divine spellcaster (like clerics, druids, paladins, and rangers) can cast per day, and the effectiveness of said spells. It also affects Will saving throws, the Heal, Listen, Profession, Sense Motive, Spot, and Survival skills, the effectiveness of the Stunning Fist feat, and a monk's quivering palm attack.Charisma (CHA): Charisma is the measure of the character's combined physical attractiveness, persuasiveness, and personal magnetism. A generally non-beautiful character can have a very high charisma due to strong measures of the other two aspects of charisma. Charisma influences how many spells spontaneous arcane spellcasters (like sorcerers and bards) can cast per day, and the effectiveness of said spells. It also affects Bluff, Diplomacy, Disguise, Gather Information, Handle Animal, Intimidate, Perform, and Use Magic Device checks, how often and how effectively clerics and paladins can turn undead, the wild empathy of druids and rangers, and a paladin's lay on hands ability.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Rebooting Processor Deleting Cashe

Rebooting Processor Deleting Cashe

Fuck Shit Mother Fuck Bitch.

I remember this uncle that Billy G. used to talk about. Used to be super vulgar, but he had this one line that he would always say when something went awry. It went something like "mother fuck shit bitch rat bastard." I think because of these stories that Billy used to tell me about, I too now find myself uttering a set string of expletives when things go awry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So anyways,

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Reprehensible Machine

Reprehensible Machine

Another quote from JCV and NNY

"The passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire. To feel contempt for ones own motivations is a vulgar thing. Too often. It seems, I've succumbed to less than admirable compulsions driven by this furiously reprehensible machine of mine. So many things inside that I can do without - desires and urges and what not. So extraneous..."

NNY's last diary entry.

I nice thought, but is it really possible? These compulsions I feel. The giant Hamburger guy said you can't get away from them. Feel. Obey. Succumb. Sure you can get away from them. Perhaps you can quiet them with a good meal. Or a good television show. Perhaps a good movie. But when you wake up and come back to reality, there they are. Pounding away at the steering wheel, trying to drive you back of course.

My creativity. My person. Its all. falling apart it feels. I walk in a sea of confusion. A constant feeling that I'm going the wrong way. And nothing. No-one. Not a single sign from anything or anybody is telling me otherwise.

It's like that thought we had. About being comforted. Nothing is comforting me. Nothing is holding me or hugging me or telling me that everything is going to be alright. Im not fit to be a pillar for anything or anyone. Not in my current state. ... my current state. ... No we're back to thinking about Colonel Etnad and his daughter Ashley. The only one constant in life is your ability to change yourself. And still yet we have nothing. Nothing to show for all those thoughts.

Its the compulsion thats needs to be fixed yes? That desire. It seems to be getting in the way. I need to get it out of the way. Cut it. Spoon it out of the muck. Out of the machine.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

"How did we get here? Is this where we want to be?".

Where Am I?

I am at work. Not exactly working. But not exactly taking a break. I'm waiting for a phone call. I can't really do anything before I take this phone call, so I will most likely just wait. Wait and Write... or type as it were. .... "as it were"... I don't think I used that correctly. And the first rule of using something that you aren't sure you are using it correctly... is to not use it at all.... as it were.

So I'm also 26. Twenty six years of life. Six years of life in my twenties. This is of course obvious. But to actually say it makes it feel ... different. A reality. Like realizing you need a hair cut or that your finger nails have grown too long. Something must be done.

So I have a job. A good job. A job that thankfully puts the knowledge I have learned from college and the skills I have thus far gained from previous jobs, to use. "To use," on a daily basis. It is somewhat satisfying to know that everything you've learned and all the preparation you have done before seriously entering the professional workforce... is being used.

.......... brb.

Johnny

"we think we can live away from what we have, but are defined by those very things, it feeds upon us... Sustained by our belief that we are doing something right. We think we are so great in our protest... but we just become the bitter offspring of what we oppose. we become prisoners in our own cages." JCV JTHM

To become the product of the very things you hate? Is to give into them, yes? It would mean that although you are trying to get away from them, trying to show that you are better than them, you become a product of them. In effect allowing them more control. Allowing them to define what you become and your actions.

How does one find themselves though, if they do not let themselves evolve from their surroundings? To do the opposite of what people expect you to do is to still become a product of those people.

More badly constructed melodramatic prose caused by JCV. But lets keep with it. ... It's fun.

So I am the product of my surroundings. I get this. Its like the thing about twins who grow up separated at birth. They evolve in accordance with their surroundings. Given a nurturing life, one can grow up to be just as nurturing. Given a life of suffering and pain, and one will grow up to be a byproduct of that as well.

So where do I fall in. How can I describe myself and then find ways of connecting my current self to the events or stimulus that I was given throughout my life? Why would I want to do this? Perhaps to explain why I have taken the "actions" that I have taken. Some part of me asks me every day, "How did we get here? Is this where we want to be?". Of course one can spend hours upon hours trying to figure out how one is where they are. But would it not be better, a more productive use of ones time, to spend that time figuring out what to do next now that you are where you are. ... hmmm... but then that doesn't solve it does it. It would just correct the current problem, the current situation. It would not at all stop if from every reoccurring. So based on this, it would be important to first understand how one got somewhere before they figured out where they are going next.

So where am i?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Windows and Lights

Today I installed a few window roller blinds.

I also installed a lighting fixture in the kitchen

My roommate put glass in my rice and stabbed me with tweezers. I bled.

I think its time to buy a new roommate.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

New Place

I'm in a new place. It's small. I have a bed. I have Job.